17 min read
26 Aug

I should go to bed, after taking a quick cool off soak because I am feeling the feels, that I was not feeling yesterday.


Well, not at this point where the feelings were much better.


But shit happens quickly sometimes and what began can just as easily come to a pause, at best.


Or end, at worst.


I would like to swear right now and not just once but multiple times, even though I am sitting here with a rest thoughtful face and not angry or sad, though it isn't a resting happy to be sure.


That's at the best of times, which is this now is not.


Though the rough seas are no threatening to sink my boat, but I'm wet and cold and I want to dock and find a place to rest at as I dry off.


So I can cry?


No, but I sure felt better 9 hours ago.


Crap.


But I did lean into this and had I not, I wouldn't be feeling these feels.

Though it's also true that other forces were at play so there were mistakes made on both sides.


Is that vague enough?


I think that it is.


I don't wish to be any clearer.

But you can tell that I am not feeling the best feels.


Especially if you read the story from yesterday that I think I'll finish tonight.


Horpfully.


Only there's not going to be a plot twist is there? I have one in mind, but the characters would reject that twist.


Yeah, the answer to going to bed now is no, not immediately after a day where I harvested three fields in 4 hours and 16 minutes, a good deal of which was on the back of a story that was borne out of yesterday's sadding


Though the sad hasn't hit, it's more like a baffled and deading.


But the sads will come.


At least it gave me cause to write a story though.


Yeah, I'd rather have not had to make lemonade out of lemons but that's how it shook out.


Though for the mission, it was exactly what I needed as a 4000+ word day is a rarity.


A rarity that wouldn't have happened if that other thing hadn't happened.


Yay for emotional distress!


Sigh.


See, a part of me wants to write about this in some detail, possibly excriciating detail, but with this thing, there's a chance of some reversal, however infinitesimally small a chance it is so even though this is a small place that is outside of twitter's immediate orbit, though three of the subsdcribers here are from 

twitter and much of my twitter following knows that I'm here and my site is freely subscribeable.


Including...


But that doesn't matter right now.


Sigh.


It's closing in at 4 in the morning and I think that I'm going to charge my phone and call it a quarter. Kuuanonni.


Kuuanoonni ghosts and subscribers.


How are you now?


The ghosts can't answer me, which might before the best, buut youu dear subscribers, who are dear for the number of you that I have, you can.


But I'll not press the issue with you, I'm happy just forthe act of boldness that you took by subscirbing in the first place.


Besides, I'm picking up whhat I didn't think to write about, even though I'm sure that it happened  while I was writing in the first.


I got Doorknobbed again, by someone who'd been previously rude and not understood how he was rude was now passing judgement on my funniness.


Granted, it's subjective, but I'm funny and little Doorknob is just jealous of me or something.


Fer sure my humour isn't for everyone, though why people can't like the play of words and all that that entails is something I'lll never understand.


Women should especially appreciate it.


Wow, if I could find a woman like that, I'd be happy.


Oh.


I'm still in dead inside mode, but I'm more likely to break out in the down emotions than the up ones.


And it all came about stupidly too.


Which curse word shall I use?


I didn't see that coming. 


Then again, I didn't see what happened last night coming either.


And it definitely could have been avoided, or had a laughable impact I guess, but what's done is done and it sure seems like...


Dammit.


Well, I went away from the writing, but I had such a good writing that I ain't complaining.


I won't be harvesting very many rows this quarter but the odds are good that I will harvest well tonight, not like I did last night, because I don't have the beginning of another Orchard Peach Tale in me so I won't get that lift, but I can surely harvest  two thirds of that, which would take me to a second straight four fields'  day.


I'll still fall well short of where I was going to be, but back to back four fields' days is going to help me out.


Yea, the reason for it is borne of the suck, especially since it happened in such a stupid way that was toally avoidable and deserving of understanding.


Oh bother.


Yet here I am, almost a day later and the feeling remains dead, though there was some anger before.


And yes, there is fairness in me having anger in the wake of yesterday.


Though that will pass.


Especially if...


Ah if, the littlest big word that loves to slap me in the face.


But whatever I harvest out of this quarter, it should be half a field because I still have the better part of two hours and I'm not going nowhwere as I've got rice and potato to eat for the next two nights.


Hard to believe it all turned on something that never should have been.


Granted, I was too clever by half, but that still should have been mitigated by the explanation that I gave.


Dammit!


Does that mean there's no chance for...


That's the feeling that I have.


Choice of words, no matter the form


I want to swear again.


I travelled through time again.


Dammit.


No, travelling through time ain't as fun as you might think.


A week ago today, the Habs were down 3 games to 2 and II was hopeful they would win to force a game 7.


They lost by a goal and while I was disappointed, I wasn't down in the mouth about the end of their season.


We have reason for optimism when it comes to the Habs.


And of course, back then, I had other hopes.


How quickly things change eh.


Oh bother. 


Well, this quarter died out.


Kuuanonnii.


I have 5 subscribers here, for which I am thankful. But if that's all I'm going to gain each month, crap.


Really Charles, you're going to write about your wonderful but small subscorber base again? Isn't there something else that you want to write about, even if you're not being specifioc, we know what it's about.”


True. But what else is there to share?”


Surely there must be more than hurt you're feeling.”


Yeah, there is.”

But even though I have things to say, I'm not ready to say them as they're more naked than writing a story about a man who hasn't eaten Pizza in thirty years.


You read the story?


It's complete and readu for the reading over at Orchard Pech, the newest folder that I never expected to be making.


Of course, I never expected to be writing a story like I did in the 4th last night and the 2nd today.


Yeah, yeah, I made lemonade out of lemons and that's good especially since a 4270 word day, barring any further adjustments to that tally being made, is exactly what I needed.


But even without it, I wasn't about to fall off the pace to millionize this year.


Though it's seemingly rescued this week and allowed me to harvest more than 20 fields for this week, but not the 85 or 86 that I would have harvested if I hadn't had back to back losing weeks.


Actually, it would have been even better than that.


Only that's not reality, I went on those back to back weeks  where I didn't write enough, which is a thing that factors in on my particular mission so unless the final three days of the month are 5000 words each, at most I'm going to get close to 80,000 words for August.


And yes, that is an amazing harvest and it's noit even in my top ten of all time.


Yes, I I've had my share of great months and I needed every single one of them last year to millionize the first year because oof how little I wrote in the first four months.


Though it was the first three especially.


As for today, through the first two quarters, both of which I wrote in, which has been rare of late, I reached the halfway point of a second straight 4000 worder.


Wow.


The Lightning have taken a 2-0 lead on the Bruins after scoring two goals in 15 seconds.


And now I feel the pull to a chat site and that is fine if it doesn't get in the way of the writing bercause I haven't yet made this a 3 field day which is the minimum that I have to reach today because I have to catch up a bit to make it a 20 field week.


Yes, that is way too much writing about writing and you ladies deserve better than that.


Of course, I deserved better than what happened last night because it was honestly a shitty ending.


Was that another internet doorknob?

I'm inclined to think yes, vur for the moment, I'm not going to reply to him.


I imagine it's a him.


And yes, I have wondered if he's friends with the other one who's what, jealous of me?


I dunno.


And after it had been weeks since I'd been there? Well, more like months.


Of course, I hold onto things like wiat, I'm not going to write about that because that would strike me as petty, even though I started to write about it and have mentioned it beforee, I don't think I've ever posted it on the interenet which remembers everything.


Not that I am ever going to talk with or see  any of the women from the early days of my efforts at romancing women, which were especially good.


And nothing has changed.


Sigh.


It;s now 3-0 Lightning.


Ah, too bad, so sad Bruins.


Of course the Bruins, if they went down 2 games to 1 wouldnot be out of the series by any means.


Not that I want the Lightning to taste glory.


So to fix it, go islanders go!


The Bruins aren't done yet as they got a power play goal and are only down by 2.


But the Islanders got only their second taste of playoff adversity as they lost only their second game and this one before they'd built a nigh insurmountable lead fo 3 games to none.


Yes, wise fan, there have been some teams that have come back from down 0 games to 3 and won the series.


That didn't happen but a series that tied at one is a lot different than one at 3 games to 1. 


Wanting the Flyers to be bounced out has almost everything to do with their beating the Canadiens. They're not one of the teams that I am happy to see succeed.


And I delight in their Stanley Cup Series record of 2 and 6.


The Lightning are up 4-1.


The Bruins are capable of coming back from such a deficit, but I'm thinking that they won't.


Especially when this is the kind of score where you change goalies and because of the difficult decision that Tuuka Rask made, the back up to the backup Jaroslav Halak is an inexperienced goalie.


I'm not going to harvest three fields tonight am I?


The Lightning have scored another two on the new goalie and it's a laugher now at 6-1.


But it's the Bruins, so too bad so sad.


At least I've made this a 4 field days as I've slogged through the writing as I've slipped away from the anger and back closer to 

the 


And with it not even being ten at night, I have a really good chance at making this a second straight 4 field day.


Yes, I am drifting back to writing about writing.


And again, you deserve better than that. Especially since there are only five of you and only one person has commented on the writing.


I should story up eh?


But that is easier said than done when I'm more dead and down in the mouth than I was last night.


It's 7-1 Lightning and I'm still not shedding any tears for the Bruins.


I'd enjoy an 8-1 Lightning lead.


It probably won't happen, but I would like it.


I nay can remember 

When last I struck the verse

Feeling the worse

From the pathois feelings

After things have turned to the wrong

Which would make for a great little song

But ain't no fun

To live on through

Only what's a fut to do

When that is how

It often ends

With me bobbing hard

In the roughest of feelings


Like where's my happy ending

Or ending for goodly cause

And not but over 

A simple bit

Of misunderstanding


And all from writing

Which makes it worse

Since this is where 

I'm at my best

For what that's worth

Which right damn now

Is precious little


I nay can remember when

I rhymed like this

But I can surely remember

When I wrote with the feelings

Of far more happiness

As it was earlier this week

Now it's feelings bleek

And woe is me

Yeah blurggh to poetry

That's never gotten me the good

That musicians know

All too blessedly well


And that ain't ever going to happen is it?


This is a swear


I have enough time to go back to back 4 field harvesting.


And should I reach the end of the year and it's a narrow victory of 2000 words, I will surely look back at this stupid time and be happy for the pathos.


Especially if I am doing the withing, no matter who that is, even if it was....


But no, that's wishful thinking is it not?


There might come a time when I decide that it's not wroth the overwhelming misery of chasing after a woman to be with, but I'm not there yet.


Maybe if I haven't settled down with a woman by the time I'm 52.


What are the odds I'll have woken up with someone by then?


Though there too, things could have unfolded differently and I'd be seeing things differently at least on the longer term.


I'd still be feeling the woe of today, unless I would have remained in those situations.


Of course, I'll never know and here I am today, in August, feeling like shiite when it was yesterday, more than 29 hours ago that I was feeling completely different.


And I just swore again.


Oh yeah, it's 1-0 Stars over the Avalanche and they just mentioned 1996, as in  1995-1996, the season in which Patrick Roy had gon from the goaltender of the Montreal Canadiens, where he basckstopped them to their last two Stanley Cups to being the goalie of the Colorado Avalanche where he basckstopped them to their only two Stanley Cups.


Well, so far.


And if not for Rejean Houle. Who hired Mario Tremblay who had  some kind of grudge against Patrick and left him in for a stupid number of goals against the Detorit Red Wings.


Also, Ronald Corey for being within easy reach of Patrick so he could tell him that he had played his last game as a Hab 


Swear.


Not even three reasons removed from the Canadiens latest Stanley Cup. 


Yes! 4000 words here I come!


I am feeling better, but that is in the moment and I will soon feel the low and the dead since this kind of happening doesn't clear up like storm clouds in the afternoon.


It's going to be days or longer like this.


And it shouldn't be something that clears up in a day or two. It takes as long as it akes, even if it takes long then it lastedm which will probably be the case here.


Oh bother.


Tick tick tick.


I am closing in on the 4 field day but I have slowed and there's 23 minutes left in the writing day.


Yes, I would be disappinted if I fell short of the mark seeing as I got to less than 2 rows away from the 4 field harvest.


So write, write and write some more.


And I did it!


Back to back 4000 word days!


At least I was able to make good of the pathos.


Aye, at least I did that,


Sigh.


Oh well, it's close enough to the end of the day.  

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